Tonight, Tonight

Welp, it’s the last night of my last winter break.

Tomorrow I’ll head to Purchase for my final semester of college. I’ve got a room to pack up, a poster to design for Difference Maker Records, a Photoshop mock-up to whip up for my senior project, some scholarly articles to skim over, a zine to read, and a much-needed glass of merlot. 

Despite having a killer schedule (with classes like “Music Video and Popular Culture,” “Experimental Workshop I,” “Outdoor Skills,” and “Social Media and the Arts”) to look forward to, I am pretty terrified. Of course I’m excited to learn new things with new professors, play shows and write and record songs with my fun new band, see my project on exhibition in a campus gallery, and make the absolute most of the whole experience… but I’m nervous as ever.

I spent most of this break thinking instead of doing. Wondering what direction I should take my project, what angle my paper should spin, and what everything would ideally look like both in person and on paper in the end. I did not add to or enhance my project or its corresponding paper at all this winter, and right now I feel like crap.

I wasn’t only thinking about what to do with my project, though. With the end of college fast-approaching, I was mostly thinking about the postgame. How and when will my boyfriend and I backpack through Europe? Where will we live after? What’s that going to be like? How will we make money? What kind of art will I make? Will I still be in my band? What kind of grown-up am I going to turn into? How is this degree going to help me?

All these questions overshadowed the present and unfortunately inhibited my productivity. Silly, I guess.

My resolution, which I am coming up with right now as I type this, is to focus on the present: the tasks listed at the top of this post. I need to get myself ready for the ride back to Purchase tomorrow. I need to design a few things. I need to read a few things. I need to practice some songs and perhaps write some lyrics. And I need to take account of all the awesome things in my life: my family, my boyfriend, my best friends, my home, my brain, my health, the little bit of money that I have saved, and the fact that I have so many (sometimes terrifying) options.

There’s no telling where I’ll be this time next year… which, now that I think of it, is probably more exciting than terrifying. 

Cheers.